And The Road Goes On Forever..

Not much of a posting this time around. Just trying to keep my head up and my eyes on the horizon. Hoping for the sun to rise and light my path, or it to set upon me.

I'd like to share one of my all time favorite Fate's Warning songs. The lyrics are appropriate of late.



It's so cold, in the shadow of distant lights
And the chilling wind slows our pace and tests our will
Still a voice whispers, it will be over soon
And there we find the courage to climb the hill

Sometimes I lose sight of where I'm going
Fanned by a flame, I can't remember
But distant lights still burn bright
And the road goes on forever

Year after year and with renewed ambition
We scale the walls to find there's nothing there
Still idle hands clutch the empty page
With the passion of our desperate prayer

Sometimes I lose sight of where I'm going
Fanned by a flame, I can't remember
But distant lights still burn bright
And the road goes on forever

And here we are again
The doors close behind us
And the road goes on and on and on and on

Sometimes I lose sight of where I'm going
Fanned by a flame, I can't remember
But distant lights still burn bright
And the road goes on forever, forever

Forever, forever, forever, forever

しっかりして！Shikkari Shite!

Shikkari shite! ("be strong" or "get a hold of yourself" or "be confident")

"My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives." - Hedley Lamarr

It's official..I've contacted a parallel existence in where I'm both empty AND full at the same time. At times my mental state is like smoke in a bottle. Swirling around inside my glass prison..tangible but lacking weight, opaque but obscuring true vision. Knowledge of what must be done is tricksy as well. Either I can unstop the bottle and let the smoke clear, or I can sit still and let it permeate my very being.

Apparently depression can be as deadly as alcoholism, both physically and spiritually.  As a former alcoholic, and like many who suffer from depression, I can function on a daily basis. On the outside one would think it a rather bi polar situation. Smiling, laughing and carrying on, but from a deep, dark oubliette. My previous Zen training and meditation practice is harder to recall the further into the downward spiral I go. To quote the venerable Master Yoda "once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny." Is there no escaping that? A way to shine a light so bright, as to dispel that fog over the bog. After long years ago that I've imbibed the red pill, I sometimes long for the blue one. to wake up from the dream within a dream. Morpheus from the first Matrix movie said "..You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember, all I'm offering is the truth – nothing more."  Can I overcome? May I treat myself right? Rise above the noise of failure, self doubt and blame? I'm not sure in what order to start that process. Ability to heal and be whole again in my own right, or permission to do so? Do I accept all the bad and try to turn a pile of dung into a flower?

What I need in this instance is a catalyst, to kickstart if you will my impending renaissance. Maybe even a Sherpa. A Guru of sorts, that knows how to prepare for the journey ahead. One who knows the road intimately and can guide past adversity and offer "first aid" in case of a fall.

Armchair Philosophy at it's best..

“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” 
― Mahatma Gandhi

Is it wrong of me to think that if I lose myself I actually don't exist anymore, or in a different capacity? Taking this apart I wonder if retaining my self is actually better than losing myself and becoming something(one) else? Should I lose myself? Or does the above quote that is at the heart of Buddhism, to become the "selfless self" bring the more fruitful yield? And how does what Aristotle states “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”  play into this? There is even the philosophy from the Bible in which Jesus himself says that we should lose our life to gain it.

At the corner of I know and I don't know, I'm scratching my head on this conundrum. And the final quote I leave you with really encapsulates my life status..

“Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle.” 
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


Namaste.

多くのことが変わっ

 Funny how things and people change. Quite a few life changing events have occurred in the past 3 years. I'll spare the details as to not incriminate myself or others involved in my indiscretions. Lets just say that I'm now more than ever living in a rather minimalist state. Que sera, sera..

Maybe I've been due to have my "time in the desert" for a while now. Although I wish that it was just a literal 40 Days, and not the year and a half that its been. Most troubles and events over the past several years have been my fault. The decisions I made through my ego, my stubbornness, and the belief in my "superior intellect" and solid old school morals. Being stuck on myself, thinking I knew it all and could fix everyone else made for tougher times than necessary.

Then I strayed from the path of righteousness. At first I started walking along the shoulder, because it was softer. Soon not only was I walking on the soft shoulder, I started traveling at night so as to avoid the sonlight. After, I turned out my lamp that lit my way. Without that light I ended up wandering the countryside alone, searching for company. Thereupon I came across campfires. Small camps occupied by creatures of the night. Many delights and entertainments were introduced to me. The Drinking! The Dancing! The Carnality! The revelry of the night was intoxicating, I embraced it entirely. The darkness set up a tabernacle in my soul. It became the house for such wicked, ebon desires.

Lo, there was a price to pay for not staying on the path. When I was found wandering, found at the encampments where I did not belong. I was thrust back into the light of day, back into the burning light of goodness. It was to much at first. So I walked in the shade of the low hanging trees, where there was fruit I could have. "Nothing to excess" did not keep me from that capacity. Drunk with the fruit of the shade trees, I sat down one day and found a companion to walk the light with. For a while it was bliss, but to much fruit slowed us down. When I finally realized I should not eat that fruit anymore I fell. Down I fell into the middle of the road. And even though all I was carrying with me, and my companion, scattered. Far from reach..

Luckily I fell at a crossroads. So here I sit, looking in all directions for the best road to travel..